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Sunday, January 15, 2012

Met with Surgeon & Big Discoveries

Wow- I can't believe I'm putting my ex - Moribidly obese stomach on the internet for the world to see- but this Journey- in accepting who I am- I guess this is a step in the right direction. World- Meet my tummy- It's totally imperfect- but it's mine.

So I met with a Surgeon the other day. I declare it has changed me. It was not a light bulb moment for me while I was there. Really the meeting was simple. Review the process of getting either a panniculectomy or a full tummy tuck. Any issues with trying to get my insurance company to approve of the procedure. Knowing full well that obviously a flat tummy is appealing to me- it is NOT the reason why I want to have this sort of invasive procedure to reshape my entire mid section.

Having lost all this weight - I do have extra skin- I have a fat fold- even if it is smaller that is what to be considered an 'apron' of the lower belly. To which continues to lean out but none the less- is still there- and still becomes an issue with occasional rashes and deep itching to which I have since learned is scar tissue inside the skin- I also have a huge sensitivity to the cold (to which to my surprise will be of NO help trying to get the procedure - even if it's incredibly painful to me when I'm in the cold for more than an hour per- say with several layers of proper and expensive cold gear) I was told the lack of circulation and scar tissue from obesity and 2 sections. I explained it was frostbite- and made me sound like a moron as she totally disagreed with me- but really her theory is just ridiculous (reynauds) - I say frostbite in the first degree- as what they refer to as frostnip - where I Itch- experience pain and it hardens and becomes numb. I will tell you I'm sure she was coming off as being educated but instead she was sort of rude and cocky and in my opinion wrong :)


We discussed both procedures- clearly a panniculectomy they basically remove the skin apron- and sew me back together- that's it.

A full tuck is tightening the abs, re-constructing the entire abdomen- lipo if need be and put my belly buttin in a new location (to which once I refer to my button- she then was sorta laughing at me because I referred to my belly button as button- really dork face surgeon lady???) anyways!

Ok so what I notice while I'm there- what I see as I even reflect is this lady touching me in the mirror- I see myself- I'm standing there- I'm a little saggy in my thighs, I'm saggy a bit in my arms, I'm saggy a bit in my hips and buttocks a bit and well....I thought- this lady could give me a whole new 'middle' but what about the rest of me? A perfect ab- on an im-perfect body. I thought - would this look like an odd puzzle to you? I sorta think so.

I want the apron gone- it's uncomfortable, I do rash up, I do have this major cold sensitivity- I feel it sometimes when I run, I still feel I have to look beyond it a tiny bit when looking down at myself. So it's like- yeah it should be taken care of. And likely one day it will.

but my reflections on the entire's been Enlightening- Moving for me in my Journey. I was working out the next day in the gym- so Strong - I felt so amazing- I worked 80min on my core/arms building up strength and creating tone and lean muscle. (oh to which when she had me lie flat and quench my abs - she said "Woah- you have been working on these!" I'm like "yes, ma'm all da time!!!" That was nice for her to feel such strong core- and I always make a joke- there is certainly a 6 pack under neat that skin and layer of belly fat this visceral and so hard to lose!

I'm working out, I'm planking, I'm checking myself out in the mirror like I always do- and you know I've been on the fence with weight since hitting goal- trying to slim down more- but trying to focus on running, training, building muscle - I see and feel so much strength since June when I started that I've lost fat and gained muscle and scale reflects a small gain and just a couple of inches gone- and I feel uncomfy in my abs - but I feel comfy in a full butt and full hips, I am so broad- I am a larger sized woman with my stature and build- I'm not a petite 5'3 person- My legs and arms are long- and my abs are a little shorter than some others- so I'm a little more dense in the middle. And I realize---- it's ok. I am actually comfortable with how I look now- I love the fullness- I have been fearing getting too thin- I know I want to be leaner looking- but why? when I take my clothes off- I don't want to freaking scare myself and pull at droop and skin hanging everywhere- I have some now- it's still retracting- I'm only 33 years old- I've taken this journey for 2.5 years- the process has been manageable enough where my skin has actually treated me kindly. I fear so much about losing more- I almost dislike the gaunt look to my face even at 160- I know I am healthy but if I lose anymore- I might look in the mirror and think Yuck too thin! Yuck too saggy- Yuck- look at that droop! lol- see I'm not saying that now- I'm saying I feel SEXY- BEAUTIFUL AND PERFECT for ME!

When I discovered this- WOW---- I cried....Like a baby- this AMAZING vulnerability came over me- this amazing "I had no idea" I would ever feel this good about me came over me. I spent my ENTIRE LIFE wishing I was different and comfortable with my size. And Now I am. I cried silent tears that just rushed over me a million fold when that happened. What an incredible feeling that even 3 days later- as I write this- I shed tears again.

I've taken several days to process the emotions. Just because I am this way. To discover such a feeling and freedom about myself felt liberating.

However, in the 3 days since- I've begun to feel a tad sense of vulnerability and fear. That in comfort I begin to change my habits. It's not my intention- I do want and will continue to the same level of commitment toward health and fitness- but I just fear that's all. Just that part of me that wants to keep myself reminded that just because I love myself and I am comfortable, that it's not a form of permission slip to be any different. To which I know comes out easy- but in life- nothing ever is. The lifestyle no matter how practical is STILL a commitment. One I must stick with.

That was my Journey the last few days, Thanks for letting me share it with you.