Here it is at Midnight. Trying to sleep and all I can do is think so much shiz that I can't sleep.
So here you go blogger world, take my shiz into cyber space and do something magical with it and then send it back to me in a cute little package, all pretty with a bow.
I have this dark passenger this year. I can't seem to shake the shit that has been happening to me this year. It's like one dang burden after another.
What has held me up during all of it, has been my running. Sure there was some epic failed runs.
I honest to God can lay her and recall each of those tough runs with such clarity. The most epic would be end of June, Early July. I was a on run. I felt like the wind was holding me place, except it wasn't wind it was a heavy heart and soul weighing me down. I ran as if I was not even moving at all. Then it began to rain, I'm talking torrential down pour.... I began bawling. It was the most free I had felt in a while. So connected and disconnected with everything all at the same time. The rain so poetically hid the tears and washed away the burden ....at least for a little while.
So what has saved me is not ironically causing me stress. The idea that I can't run. The emotional love affair I have with myself and the open road.
I lay there and I have to battle with myself the balance between rest and recovery from this unknown injury. The same injury that I discovered 8 days ago and have now ran on 3 x since. How stupid of me *lets just really call it excited and anxious at the times* and now tonight as I ice my quad/knee I realize that it's all been too much to risk.
I ran 2 miles today. I felt 'ok' but I fear a real injury that will never allow me to get back to where I was. That scares the crap out of me.
So then I get to thinking "Can I really let go of Running"
I'm just all emotional and start wheeping. Well I could. I've given up and let go alot in my life. I've let go and burdened the pain of which I've never felt before. Rocked me to my core. Shook a breath of life into me though......well not untill recently..... Made me realize more about myself. Wanting to do something and needing to something sometimes are the two hardest things to distinguish.
Just like over the summer. I had to let go of something I didn't want to. But I needed to. The choice is painful and never easy. But in the beginning and I hope at the end it just puts me in a better place.
So even if this is all just my philosophical journey spilling b.s. about how I really need to stop running for a while, well then that's my conclusion tonight.
For now, I won't run. and I know how incredibly impulsive I am, and I know that when I love something so much, I can't get it out of my mind or heart and that I'll want to go back to my run. I just hope I'm strong enough to stay away, long enough to get this recovery in motion and let myself heal. I'm not very good at that sorta thing. I'm incredibly stubborn. of course every runner I know is. I feel comfort in knowing I'm not the only idiot out there.
Rest assured this does not define me. The journey does. My fitness goes on. I am going to really embrace the new challenges I'm setting up for myself .
TRX starts on Monday, Boxing next week, spinning, more weights and get in some cardio with xtraining machines.
I'll be what I set out to be.