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Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Wednesday Mourning

That is utterly the most perfect blog post title.
Today is my fathers birthday. It's been a good 7-8 months since we last had a healthy interaction. I became the center of attacks when he was in fact upset with my siblings and their life choices. Suddenly he was bringing me into a situation that had nothing to do with me.
When I speak of the issues I had last year, this was certainly one of them. I never spoke of it, I was the midst of a much bigger pain in my heart and life but surely he put the icing on the cake of complete and utter insanity for me.
Maybe in reflection the one person that should of held me up or talked me through my life, was in fact the one that was putting the nails into my mental coffin.
I was picked apart and dissected by a man that barely even knows me as an adult. Someone that thinks they know everything because they are looking in.
Tears roll down my face as I think about the extra pain he caused me in an already vulnerable point in my life. I know I didn't deserve his attacks, I realize on a human level that he is sick. He has depression and PTSD and all these other medical issues. I couldn't help but to forgive him for doing that to me. On my Marathon in October when I wrote "Set it free" I was setting that burdened relationship free too. I felt a insatiable feeling like I had forgiven him. That I know when my father hurts others the most it reflects the hurt in his heart. To which his expectations of our relationship was far too high. We will never be that close. He ruined that many years ago when he did "all this" stuff then. I always forgive. Family does that right? We forgive because we have to, because it's the right thing to do. So I reached out to the very person that tore me apart mentally. He made me insecure and self reflect negative things about myself, made me defend myself and try to convince him that I'm really good person. Why should I convince my own father that I am a good person? He had me head twisted thinking I was a terrible person, in a time when I was already feeling terrible about other things, mistakes and situations last year to which he never even knew about. So I kept thinking maybe he is seeing something I have not. But rest assured, I buried that doubt. I do not drink, I do not do drugs. I take care of my kids very well, I keep a clean home, I am a respectable member of my community. I am respectful and act like a lady. I am appropriate and to the outside world my life was happy.
Well it didn't take but 2 weeks after reaching out that he lashed out me again (he was upset I didn't return a message soon enough for him) and well, I yet again had to eliminate him from my life. How many times do I give someone a free pass to abuse me? Mentally and emotionally I was being abused by father.
So Today on his Birthday, I mourn for his life. I mourn for the loss of the kind of father he should of been. I mourn the dysfunctional dynamic relationship we have.
What I hope is that I can build my little family with RunnerBoy and Peeps to have normal and healthy relationships with each other for life. I know I can because I love these people above myself. I love these people and I think of how they feel instead of how I feel. I love these people that I hurt when they hurt and I don't ever want them to hurt .My Job is to protect my Children. The world is going to be hard enough on them so I want to be their Safe Haven. I am their Guardian, I will love and respect & guide them through their life. I care about them so much that their happiness trumps mine. I promise no matter my frustration with their life choices that I will never dis-own them. I will never break them down, I will only build them up. If they are making mistakes or need Mommy life lesson then I will guide them through it and let them live their life.
So Really for Now- I do this ↓

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