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Friday, March 29, 2013

My First Real "Good Friday"

It's been a trying time as a Christian and I say that with heart full of God's Grace and Love that allows me to  overcome the burdens of the flesh. My heart and soul are fixed and I'm thankful in my transformation to become a GREAT Christian that as much as I'm still a sinner I have made God & Jesus a constant in my life. Not for when it's convenient and when I need him, but daily, hourly and fixed on his love even when my life is content and not in need of his miraculous touch, or guidance.

I have encountered endless wrath and discontent from others around me for trying to show them what I know. Many won't understand the dynamics of the relationship I have with my siblings but I was the care giver and provider. I set up the morals and ethics on how to walk through this life instead of relying on drugs, alcohol, depression and such antics that has laced my family for generations. I wanted desperately to break the cycle. I have for myself and my children but It's a struggling work in progress for my siblings. It hurts my heart and saddens me to see that they have not been shown the light. Not shown that there is salvation and that they too can be redeemed. Redeemed from their sins and the sins transferred to us by our own parents. I'm in struggle at times to wash away the dirty threads that made me who I am today. They are of sinful nature that come across as vulgar verbal garbage, walls built to hide the heart and idle in showing of love and affection. I don't care if you some can't handle when an adult uses the 'blame' game to show others why as an adult they struggle to transform. I am a product of my upbringing. It's been a struggle since I was about 21 years old to shake loose and break the chains of how I was raised. I have to through each facet of my heart, mind and soul and transform. Never has this been easier for me since I have the Lord in my Life. I trust him and I pray constant prayers for strength, endurance and courage to let go, keep moving forward and to open myself to my husband, kids and the world around me. For I lived in the dark and now I see.

I am almost through reading the entire New Testament. It's been amazing to me see my love Grow for Jesus Christ. How much I rely on him and how much he has been there for me. We all can have that gift. As it's not just about believing in him as much as it's about actually forming a relationship with him. It's not one sided. It's been recriprocal the whole time. I give up something and he gives me something in return. When I call upon him to rest my spirit and ease a burden he is quick to listen and respond. I'm very thankful for that. It's a gift that constant and I could never turn my back to that.

What does Good Friday mean to me now vs the past? Good Friday was just a day when Lent was over. It was just a day off from school or perhaps work. It meant nothing to me. Easter in itself was just a day that I knew had to do with Jesus being resurrected from the dead but I never knew the details.  Peeps and chocolate ever filled my chunky girl desires and the flowers and decorating allowed the obese woman to enjoy the changing of the seasons.

However today it feels so wildly different. I feel sad. I feel pain.  I feel that way for the world that aches for savior and those that deny him. I feel that way because I envision my God dying for me. I feel his love and his passionate way to say "I love you so much I'm willing to die for you" and just writing the words chokes me up and strums at my heart strings. It means everything to me. I envision Jesus being flogged, I see him being hung on the cross to die only because he wanted to Save the World!

It's fair to say I have never Denied my Lord and Savior. I simply didn't know him. I'm blown away when I show others the gift that is meant to be embraced and instead of showing them the way to the Light, they are determined to stay in the dark.

Why does a person choose that for themselves?  These thoughts race through mind on a constant basis lately. Fear of condemnation? Fear of rejection? Anger at God? 

It's what I'm feeling today.....Sad, hurt yet amidst the sentiments of the day, I KNOW that Christ has risen and on that day I'll Celebrate!

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