I have this urgent need for time alone. Self Reflection. I do that a lot anyways, I am by nature an introvert as much as I'm a social butterfly I put myself in a cocoon, a protective mechanism I put into place from a childhood and adolescent pains. I love to be open but I quickly shut down and I'm trying desperate for years to connect with Christ and more to God.
I have my whole life felt like there was more to life that what I was feeling and seeing. I knew God an instant when I had Whitney and I had sudden belief; despite having 27 years of pain and internal turmoil burdened by deep sadness and feelings of utter aloneness. Finally God shown me a light and it pierced through me and it was so beautiful.
Ever since I have been on a spiritual journey by all meaning. I had to admit that I was sinner although I thought I did it by default, without realizing. However; I have learned I am way worse off than I ever imagined. Have felt feelings and gone through emotions that I never should of nor wanted to has left me vulnerable to the word of the bible as a year and half has gone by and I'm still in emotional pain, I realize it's more than a circumstance or an event that has changed me (or directs me)
I'm seeking change on the inside. For years I spoke about God, my journey - intermittently talking with friends about religion, worship, the church. Finding answers here and there and making my way.
This past year I felt so much and confusion. I felt so alone and petrified on who I was and am. I started to seek more prayer and asking for strength, forgiveness and up till about 6 months ago I finally started to repent my sins. I am NOT a perfect person and I am hoping to walk the path of better life in all my morals and values. I want to live my perfect truth and must hold myself to the highest personal standard.
I'm in need for Christ to enter my life and I asked him to help me do that. I have friends coaching me (thank you!) and they tell me I have to foster my relationship with God & Jesus much like my running and weight loss journey- each day working at building my relationship. I am ready to do that and I've already started.
We can NOT Keep Repeatably do what is NOT working - I MUST make a drastic change to my life. Something that is going help me re-focus and re-energize my soul with a sense of direction and greater purpose. In order to do that I'm taking time away from the computer; I am taking some much needed time to foster other areas of my life that need attention, my children, my home, my husband - my relationship with Jesus and I'm hopeful. I am ready to keep letting go and opening up and I'm scared and vulnerable trying to be realistic of my expectations and take Faith in the direction that God Leads me after this week alone.
I have many active private messages, consultations via e-mail and private messages on facebook- I'll return them after next week 8/9 ~ Thank You ♥