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Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Sky Above Me, Earth Below Me- Fire with in me!

Hello Peeps!

I have yet another amazing week with some personal up and downs for "self"  and I'll be happy to share that with you. It's why I blog- I get to vent- I get to explore my thoughts while I write. I never plan out these blog posts- I shoot from the hip! Often I will want to blog and I'll write something just for self expression and I'll NEVER post it. I guess I just like writing- it's a way for me to express myself and to get out how I'm feeling.

I suppose you all know if you have been following for a long time- I have strained parental relationships. As a matter of fact my father dis-owned me last year because he is angered with me for not having more of a relationship with him and for very harsh old realities of a divorce he went through with my mother and blames her and me for us not being closer. Meanwhile as an adult he has emotionally hurt me very deeply with cruelty, harsh words and a has told me on several occasions he wants nothing to do with me. Each time comes back asking for forgiveness- so I give him that- each time a little bit more emotionally disconnected to protect myself.

It's been a year or so since he threw me away and was incredibly awful to me. I've not looked back. He attempted again this past week to contact me- instead of apologies it was more turmoil .....a small congratulations for graduating and asked to see my children.

Hard on me because I'm really happy in my life. I was going through an incredibly difficult time in my life last year when he did that to me and I told him. It didn't matter to him the hurt I was in on a very personal level - actually he used it against me and he made me feel like a very terrible person for things that are so mundane (I promise you I'm NOT a bad person- he was upset at me for saying a curse word in front of my children ) all be it- not ok- but on the other hand- there are WORST things in life than a frustrated wife at her husband .....ack- I don't want to get into that. Anyways- he just broke my heart for the last time-  I have to let these people in my life go. The ones that hurt me. They are no good for me- family or not! My life is for ME- My Children and then my Husband. Time to Move on and let it go.

ANYWAYS! that crisis over!  I had a leaky ceiling that damaged my kitchen tv and what a mess....ugh....I had my daughter get pretty bruised and banged up 2x this week- my sweet Whitney! Rope burn that tore her hand apart and two rope burns on her legs from a rope letting loose while being pulled around on a sled .........((makes no sense- just think REDNECK GAMES)) LOL

I had a very rough evening this past week when I posted something on my CCRG page and another page asked what everyone thought about it- asking for opinions where I was not- but it invited drama to my page and I was NOT happy about that. Most especially when a trouble maker told me I would FAIL at maintaining my weight loss- that statistics show that only a small percentage of people will keep off this weight within 5 years of maintaining. To even to begin to tell you how offended and hurt I was ...this page is not long enough nor am I willing to vent all that out right now- cause truth be told that lady was SATAN and she does NOT know me! she does NOT know I've been doing this lifestyle for 3 years now- so I say this cause I wanted to say it on my CCRG wall but I'm too Pure there..... GO SCREW YOURSELF SATAN LADY - YOU DON'T ME AND JUST CAUSE YOU FAILED WON'T MEAN THAT I WILL! BOOM...........and this is way kind but I'm trying to stick to Christian ways :) which I probably should be more Christan and wish her help!  What it does it feeds the seed of fear. I have fear. I know I'm not supposed to, but lose 150lbs and tell me to NEVER be afraid that I'll lose control and go back! Yes I fear. It's why I stay diligent. It's why I stay focused. I don't obsess (unless I feel myself spinning out of control for some reason) but I weigh in to keep self checking- I making strong training goals to keep fitness focus. I try to keep a balance between eating healthy and still living with indulgence. I'm NO expert at maintaining yet. What I know is how to lose- what I'm showing after 16months is I am still learning how to maintain- I'm on my journey .....what I don't need is someone telling me I will fail. I just don't get that at all. Most especially with how I help people and do it for FREE! blah- anyways- vent over- thanks for listening- I was so bothered I didn't get to sleep one night till 4am! pretty yucky feelings that day!
My kids otherwise had a beautiful week :) We did our normal stuff - except NO swimming- it's turned slightly cooler this week and the break from the pool/beach has actually been really nice! Play-do fun, play dates- zoo- shopping.....very nice :)  what they did do all week was Vacation Bible School. I feel Blessed for them. To see them sing about God - to be in our church and trying to make it apart of our family tradition- it just seemed so beautiful and perfect to me ♥ My Husband got to go to church with us on Sunday and he thanked me. I'm so Happy that I can inspire him like this too- we can do that for each other in life and marriage- my best friend- I hope he keeps working toward God & Jesus like me!

Spam Carving Queen :) I won- it's a toilet...I'm was creative and used the spam gel from the can and put it into the toilet bowl to look like urine :) I think I'm a little redneck! haha! Great Time at my In-laws Redneck Summer Games!

Good thing I'm marathon training and trying to lose- that BOOTY LOOKS HUGE.....
I'm having a really BAD self Image week despite the random douche bags on facebook and daily mile that randomly poke me friend request me or send me private messages telling me I'm Gorgeous- none of that means nothing to a Married Woman - but what does matter is how I feel and lately  and all week i was so bloated ((in my gluten post!!!)) that I just felt so bad about myself. I hate those feelings- but I'm real and I had them- today I feel better :) a little bit more human!

Lets move on to my training :)

Tuesday- Rest - Recovery from 11 miler
Wednesday- 10 miles (7 in the am & 3 miles speed intervals 4x200's and 4x100's on track)
Thursday- 3 easy with a friend
Friday- 7.5 miles Thursday- pushed pace
Saturday- Weight lifting routine- stretch
Monday- 15 miles slow

I had to force this mileage this week- I have to tell myself if I want this I HAVE to do the work. I want the Marathon Experience I have to EARN it! It's not just given. So I'm here- I've stepped up to the plate and I'm hurting, lol- Today was a stretch- I didn't realize It's been 3 weeks since I've gone past 11 miles and my longest run since April!   Aim for 17 next week- keep climbing and building my base to about 40miles a week for the next 4 weeks and peak about 45-50 before Marathon! It's my threshold- may have to back it down for my knees- I'm already feeling it!


Ok so my Gluten Free Adventure- I'd like to make an open post about my Gluten Free Journey in another post and keep adding to it. I have so much to share and explore and even just 9 days into it- there is just so much to sort through with my thoughts/feelings/curiosities etc!  Over- all quickly before I get a chance to blog about that- I feel good- I have no problems - my sinus are more clear but this could be due to shutting off the bedroom a/c and upping my hydration even more. I still battled extreme fatigue two times this week but that could of been fueling wrong (I made my own buckwheat pancakes on Sunday with real maple syrup - I get to church and I feel like I'm going to pass out in the sermon- I'm SO TIRED- OMG!  Today I calorie count for yesterday- YEAH- the home-made buckwheat carbs was through the roof with the syrup- I was probably in a state of sugar shock- lmao! seriously peeps it was a 600 calorie breakfast (with coffee) with 135 carbs.....ZOING!  Now mind you the old way I used a store bought batter (clean of course) this was a recipe and much more dense and different......blah! not doing that again!

I can say I have been diligent I have calorie counted each day- I'm hopeful I can stay on track to lose more weight- I'm focused- holding steady and have landed between 1600-1800 calories each day- my carbs have not changed at all despite going gluten free-I still am eating about 40% of my daily intake of carbs! My energy feels good on my running this week (((wahoo!!))  what I will say being Gluten free on a clean diet is easy - not sure how many can actually stick to this lifestyle for weight loss if they don't already eat clean? likely not- I'm a 90/10 girl and I realize now how much harder it is to even indulge because I simply can't! again I'll share more and look to hear the experiences of others!

So the Fun picture part- my sister in law and her immediate family held the Redneck Summer Games, omg - what  hoot! I had a photo shoot client earlier in the day so we missed out on some of the fun and I showed up a little dressed up, lol but had some great smiles none the less!


My favorite snack- hummus and a veggie- I have to be carefully I seriously can eat this whole dip in one sitting- I never have - but I feeling NOT that hard to do!!

Breaded Eggplant Parm! I used GL free flour, flaxseed meal, grated parm cheese and dipped the eggplant into an egg batter and then into the breading and then into a sunflower oil. YUMMY!

I lacked Gluten free bread crumbs- I used  a pc of my home-made bread for texture and absorption. Took a Zucchini- ground it up (drain out excess water) - added bread crumbs, onion, garlic, parm cheese, egg white- what you get is a fluffy zucchini sandwich- I ate all three for lunch- TASTY!

1 comment:

  1. Girl, I don't know where to begin. I won't go into it in detail here, but I can relate to the strained family relations. My mom hasn't talked to me in over 2 years and when/if she tries to she will be told the only way we can have contact is with a counselor. You have to set the boundaries you need to for yourself. God doesn't want us in abusive relationships and that includes emotional abuse!

    Regarding satan woman - IGNORE HER! Keep pressing on. I have a long road ahead of me yet to lose the weight and I KNOW it will be a lifelong battle and something I will always have to be aware of. BUT - NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE has the right to discourage you and try to tell you that you can't keep it off. Keep up the great work my blogger friend! Don't listen to the naysayers - just keep doing what you do. You are a great encouragement!