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Thursday, May 8, 2014

My Addictions the Running & Food Kind

I rarely watch tv, however when I do it usually has everything to do with Human Nature. I recorded three episodes of my 600 lb life and watched three hours of it last night.

End Result of their story was the same as mine= emotionally hungry= finding comfort in food.

I may have only reached 310 lbs but in my heart I was a thousand pounds. Whether we are 50 lbs overweight or 400lbs our stories line up the same. We fill the empty voids in our life with food. There is an addiction that is covering up an emotion. Those emotions manifest themselves as depression, anxiety, worry and often sometimes worse. In those moments we lose hope, self esteem and sadly any ounce of worth is diminished in our souls. I know, I've lived there for a very long time.

Holding onto too much weight is a symptom of a much deeper problem. We are no different than a person addicted to drugs or alcohol; our addiction is food. A deeper need is getting met.

We all know that is what we are doing, the hard part is getting out of the habit and beating the addiction.

Two years to lose 150lbs and almost another 3 years fighting to maintain! This is a fight, every day. This is not an exciting notion. It is much easier to wish that it was easier. It's much easier to when we don't actually have to pick up the burdens and deal with them everyday. It's much easier to hide and escape reality.  When people lose a large amount of weight and find that "key" to success the reason why they fail and go back to the "old life" no matter how long they have been on the journey is because the intensity of having to daily choose "life" means we actually have to fight and deal with life head on. I'm like others, some days I'd rather hide my head under the covers and think "I can't do this today, it's much easier to forget about it" and truth is, I've been there more days that I'd like to admit. Yet, I see what lies on the other side of that option. The only other way around getting busy daily with dealing with my body/soul/spirit is to actually succumb to the past and get swallowed back up. I've been there and done that. I'm fighting. I'm not giving up, even though at moments I felt like in some way it was happening without my consent. I wonder if that sounds confusing to you?  What if everyday I fight and yet in some ways I still lose parts of the battle? What if I think I'm doing all the right things but it's not enough? What if the measure of my success is in my numbers or thoughts?

The GREATEST component for me in this weight loss journey has been discovering who I am in Jesus and what he can do for me. I discovered what I could do for myself (even then the Glory belongs to God; he did many things in secret in my life and has brought me to the secret knowledge that even before Christ I was NOTHING and Did Nothing on my own...WOW) but who I am in and through Jesus in this journey is completely new. I often feel like I'm starting over again. Everyday I'm learning to do this journey with Jesus - the Grace and Mercy that involves is both beautiful but at the same time has given me a permission to fail. How can I NOT be ok with failing but yet God is ok with falling/failing? Woah!  Going to take sometime to envelope that notion into my life. I know he does not want me to fail but he gives me Grace when I do and that is way more than what I can say for myself. Incredible God.

I was emotionally hungry when I was losing weight and maintaining. I fed myself through Running. That addiction replaced my food addiction. At the time I knew that and totally thought, what a BETTER trade off! God says different. So here I am and I learn to feel again, I learn to struggle again and this time I can't eat my way through it, this time I can't run my way through it. Lord Help me! Precisely his point! That is an exciting promise. Through God this journey WILL be succesful. On my own, I'm bound to ultimately fail and even if I did keep the weight off - I'd fail in my soul/spirit. I need wholeness in my trinity (Body/Soul/Spirit) I can ONLY get through the Cross. I praise and Thank my Lord daily. Amen!

I spend my running days on God. My Runs are Worship and Continued Self Discovery. I'm thankful for the Soul Shift inside my running and my Life!

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